Preface: These are instructions for you to send to any family or friends who will be tracking you at home on the computer in your next race, and you would like to give them a feel of what the whole day is really like...

Dear Family and Friends,

Since you will be sitting around at a computer terminal tracking me during the marathon with nothing else to do, I've decided to begin writing an instruction manual on how to have a marathon experience without ever leaving your own home (or office, although I will not be responsible for your termination). This is best done with 2 or more people, unless you have a split personality, then you can let each personality have a turn.

Assuming a race start of 7:00 a.m. CST on the morning of the race, I think around 5:00 a.m. you should get up out of bed and at the very least you should lock the bathroom doors in your house so that you can't get in, then begin drinking liter after liter of water until you have over-hydrated yourself. You could take it one step farther and even have a cup of strong black coffee and a bran muffin.

Once you feel like you have to go to the bathroom REALLY BADLY, then set a timer for 30 minutes BEFORE unlocking the bathroom door. This should fully simulate me standing in lines for a portable toilet at the race. When you finally get into the bathroom and have finished, be sure to brag about how great you feel now, and gloat if you were fortunate enough to go #2 (this is the greatest achievement of any runner before a big race, trust me). If you did not go #2, then find someone to console you and tell you it will be OK (we runners do this, and we know that we are lying). Of course, even as you stand there talking about it you know your bladder will begin to start re-filling and you will have to go again soon. Repeat this paragraph continuously until 7:00 a.m. CST (If you go #2 twice during this time period, figure out some sort of special recognition award). If you can not wait the full 30 minutes, go outside and use the bathroom in your yard and duck behind a shrub just as you would do if it were at a real race. I'm sure those driving by will understand. If they don't, turn and wave and say, "I'm a runner", then they will get the picture.

To simulate the start of the race, you can sing the Star Spangled Banner and watch for the clock to strike 7:00. At about 30 seconds before 7:00, you should feel as if you have to go to the bathroom again really badly, but of course there is nothing you can do about it now. so keep the bathroom door locked. At 7:00, yell "BANG!!!!!" to simulate the starter's pistol, and run around the house, making sure that you are close to each other's heels. You can even take turns cutting in front of one another so closely that you nearly rip each other's Achilles tendons. You must also be sure that you are dressed accordingly at the start so that you are comfortable for whatever the EXACT room temperature is at the start. That way, you will be sure to begin to roast once you start running around from being overdressed. Be sure to wear clothes that cannot be shed so that you will be totally overheated within just a few minutes and there will be nothing you can do but suffer for the next 5 hours.

Any liquids you take in from this point forward must be drank from a paper cup as you run by and grab them off of the kitchen table, then you must run around the room as you try to drink them so that the majority of the fluid goes either up your nose, all over your body, and/or is taken in so that you gag and cough it all back out anyway. Be sure when you set the drinks out on the kitchen table that water is at the first part of the table and Gatorade is at the end. Since you feel generally happy and on top of the world for the first 18-20 miles, you can just continue to jog around the house until around 10:00-11:00 a.m. You might even want to think about going outside and jogging in place in front of your house and waving to people that drive by because you are so happy and love everyone. Life is good. Unfortunately, this will be short-lived, because when muscle fatigue really sets in and you hit "the wall", you will hate everyone. You may begin to shout out deep dark family secrets, whether they be true or not.

Just after 11:00 a.m., be certain that you have a blunt instrument handy. This will be used to start beating your quadriceps to simulate the onset of "the wall". Be sure to hit them with every step you take, otherwise you will not get the full effect. Better yet, if you have stairs, start trying to go up and down them while hitting yourself, you'll get the picture. Around 11:30, you should begin to tighten your calf muscles up so much that you have self-induced leg cramps. That is always great fun in my book. After that, go outside and find someone walking or jogging down the street and clap and shout, "You only have one more mile to go!". They will look at you with as much bewilderment as we runners look at people in an actual marathon who shout that out to us. If we had the energy to run 10 yards off course to where these people were standing, we would make news headlines, "Runner Attacks Fan Cheering Them On, Police Are Confused Over Motive". If it's only one more mile, then why don't they lace up their own shoes and join in???!!! Do they not realize that the last mile is the longest mile in the history of the world???!!! In reality, these people are not half as bad as the people at mile 2 that yell, "You only have 24 more miles to go!". At such an early point in the race, we do have the energy to run off the course and deal with them (many are still missing to this day).

As your imaginary finish line approaches, make sure that you have all of your alibis lined up in case you did not do the time you thought. These can include, "She cut me off early in the race and I think I tore a muscle because of her", or "He was supposed to pace me and HE went out too fast and it made me crash and burn". In any event, if you did poorly, find some reason to blame it on the other person. With about 2 minutes left BEFORE you cross the imaginary finish line, tell yourself that there is no way you will ever do this again and you can't believe how much you hate running. About 2 minutes AFTER you finish, tell yourself that the next marathon is only a few months away and you know you will do better next time. For a medal, you can put a pull-tab from a can of soft drinks on a string and tie it around your neck (yes, I know you are probably downing sodas, chips and ice cream as you are watching my 5K splits go by). Be sure to congratulate each other as you run to the bathroom yet again...

Sincerely,

Your Loving Runner

P.S. I'm wearing a finisher's medal and you're wearing food stains. Go clean up the mess in the kitchen before I get home, and unlock the bathroom doors.